Its winter in Israel. November the 12th. There has been a few rainy days and the temperatures at night and in the early mornings have dropped to sweatshirt and beanie weather. It’s that sort of climate that you find in San Francisco in the fall-- breezy and crisp.
My teammates and I are just about one year in training. Six months to go. As far as the end seems, I know it will in some way creep up on me; and then instead of complaining about not being done yet I will be worried about not being ready to hold others people’s lives in my hands everyday. Our team is starting to come together; we are at Jump School for two weeks learning how to hurl ourselves out of perfectly good airplanes. It’s the type of thing that causes a lot of laughing because we spend the whole day learning how to fall on the ground. (Imagine singing strange commands and then launching yourself off a 15 foot platform all day for all your friends to watch as you hit the ground, face first and get yelled at by the instructor saying that your landing was poor.) A perfect bonding experience if I don’t say so myself.
It feels to me now that we are on the point on a climb where your hands hurt, the last two pitches look and ARE the most difficult and you know that there is cold beer waiting in the car. We have made it almost a year through training, probably the most trying period of any of our lives and yet the lack of satisfaction is astounding. It strikes me on a daily basis that on the day-to-day I am not very satisfied. Now, being the thinker that I am, that has bothered me greatly. But after thinking it through and talking to my “O so wise” roommate I have come to understand that what I do here every day isn’t about satisfaction or at least immediate satisfaction that is. No one ever say it would be fun, satisfying or enjoyable. On the contrary, people warned me that it would be like this.
One of the things that most frustrates me is that fact that we are, by product of the training and other elements, essentially treated like kids. They insist on complete secrecy on whatever we are doing so we never know what is to come or when it will end. Our lives are mysteries to us and our families. Our families and friends knowing far less than we do even. We have no contact with the outside world during the week, no phone; no news, we live in a hole Saturday night through Friday morning. Cut off from family, friends, girlfriends and apart from the people in the unit, humanity. Now that is not to say that I don’t understand why it is that way it is. Its perfectly logical if you are trying to form the greatest and most highly trained soldiers, that taking all their connections to anything but what we do everyday makes the list of distractions very short. There are sacrifices to this approach however, friends on the outside drift away, girlfriends seem distant at times and even when we do have contact it is limited to 24 hours. This is attacking the base of our support systems. Our families and our friends, the things we know about in our lives are taken from. I think this is a conscious decision on the part of our officers to test us at the highest level, when only ourselves and our teammates are there to live through it together. They need to know that even if you don’t have the support of anyone else except your teammates that you will not give up that that they can count on you 100%.
Now your either saying, “gees that sucks” or some of my more assertive friends might be saying, “suck it up, you know why your there.” Now usually that comforts me to know that I did choose this life for myself and this is part of the price that needs to be paid to accomplish my goal. But I have plateaued recently, not particularly sure on what, but I am sure that I need a sharp kick in the butt so I can stick it out through the end. I know the fire in me is still burning bright, I have just let it get away from me-- the flame disappearing behind the curtains. However as I write this post I start to remember why I wanted to have this challenge—to get to a point where I wanted to say, “okay that’s enough for me” and show myself that I could stick it out. Now not to get confused I don’t seriously think about quitting but I do think sometimes, “boy what have I gotten myself into.”
I know the next six months will hold some of the hardest challenges of my life but I know that it will also hold some of the most important pinnacles of achievement not only in training but for myself. I am positive that there will be a few moments that I can feel as though I am on top of the world and say to myself, “you did it.” This is the finish line and your standing on it.
I know this post was relatively brief but I just wanted to check in with everyone, tell them what I was up to and let them know that no matter what, I am gonna give this thing everything I got until I have nothing else to give, and then keep giving.
On a less serious note I hope this note finds everyone happy, healthy, and smiling—because no matter what at the end of the day a smile and a laugh cures it all.
May god bless you with love, life and happiness.
Andrew
