My close friends flatter me with words of admiration and my acquaintances pelter me with questions about what i will do AFTER the army. On some level i can understand this question, how can i possibly expect them to understand what my life consists of, or what it is based on at this point. I find myself wondering that almost every day.
I feel lonely. Not because i am lonely, but because i allow my situation dictate my feelings. There is some truth in my loneliness, i am across the word from my mom, dad and the rest of my family. In a different country, with a different life and path, but as so many people love to remind me, that is what i chose. I respond by saying, "your right." "but i didn't choose to be alone ." Now, before i continue i must say i can already here my mom mumbling that I make these decisions for myself everyday. Let me explain.
When i wake up in the morning whether its out of a 30 year old sleeping bag on the floor of the Judean Desert or at home in my bed at the kibbutz, i make a decision. How will i start this day, what feeling will i let overcome me with this sunrise? will it be a simple feeling of cold, or a more comprehensive feeling like sadness or loneliness. As i described i can envision my mom saying, " its your decision how you wake up in the morning, how you want to start and proceed with each day." Do you want to take that day by the horns and make it your day, or do you want to let other influences make that decision for you.
If its cold, im cold. If its early, im tired. These are the natural responses to these stimulations. but there is still that decision. Or so she(my mom) says? I have struggled lately to make these more simple decisions. I dream about waking up with a smile on my face. Excited to start each day. I realize that achieving that in the system i am serving in is challenging, but i am determined to make a go at it.
People's questions of what i will do after the army test me. Not because i have no idea what i will do, ( I really have no idea) but because i am already struggling so much that confronting my life in the future is more than i want to deal with. I want people to delve into my life as it stands now, to be interested, to strive for knowledge and understanding of what i'm doing, but just as with many of my expectations in life, im shooting high. I suppose this makes me my own outlier in some way, i make myself standout. For this exclusiveness i also pay a price.
In every one of the last 365 days i have made my life different in some way, i feel like im making headway in life as difficult as it is to progress at some points. I don't think i'm an outlier all 365 days, but on most of the days that i am i realize it. SO i guess that is the price that I pay in the end, to achieve these goals and dreams of mine i must, at some points be alone.
when that thought sits on my mind, i am okay with it. If this is the price for this dream of mine, then thats what ill pay.
Andrew
PS i know this post is a bit stranger than the norm, but take it for what it is. I just thought i would share what is going through my head on the Saturday night before i head back into the movie that is my life.
