My close friends flatter me with words of admiration and my acquaintances pelter me with questions about what i will do AFTER the army. On some level i can understand this question, how can i possibly expect them to understand what my life consists of, or what it is based on at this point. I find myself wondering that almost every day.
I feel lonely. Not because i am lonely, but because i allow my situation dictate my feelings. There is some truth in my loneliness, i am across the word from my mom, dad and the rest of my family. In a different country, with a different life and path, but as so many people love to remind me, that is what i chose. I respond by saying, "your right." "but i didn't choose to be alone ." Now, before i continue i must say i can already here my mom mumbling that I make these decisions for myself everyday. Let me explain.
When i wake up in the morning whether its out of a 30 year old sleeping bag on the floor of the Judean Desert or at home in my bed at the kibbutz, i make a decision. How will i start this day, what feeling will i let overcome me with this sunrise? will it be a simple feeling of cold, or a more comprehensive feeling like sadness or loneliness. As i described i can envision my mom saying, " its your decision how you wake up in the morning, how you want to start and proceed with each day." Do you want to take that day by the horns and make it your day, or do you want to let other influences make that decision for you.
If its cold, im cold. If its early, im tired. These are the natural responses to these stimulations. but there is still that decision. Or so she(my mom) says? I have struggled lately to make these more simple decisions. I dream about waking up with a smile on my face. Excited to start each day. I realize that achieving that in the system i am serving in is challenging, but i am determined to make a go at it.
People's questions of what i will do after the army test me. Not because i have no idea what i will do, ( I really have no idea) but because i am already struggling so much that confronting my life in the future is more than i want to deal with. I want people to delve into my life as it stands now, to be interested, to strive for knowledge and understanding of what i'm doing, but just as with many of my expectations in life, im shooting high. I suppose this makes me my own outlier in some way, i make myself standout. For this exclusiveness i also pay a price.
In every one of the last 365 days i have made my life different in some way, i feel like im making headway in life as difficult as it is to progress at some points. I don't think i'm an outlier all 365 days, but on most of the days that i am i realize it. SO i guess that is the price that I pay in the end, to achieve these goals and dreams of mine i must, at some points be alone.
when that thought sits on my mind, i am okay with it. If this is the price for this dream of mine, then thats what ill pay.
Andrew
PS i know this post is a bit stranger than the norm, but take it for what it is. I just thought i would share what is going through my head on the Saturday night before i head back into the movie that is my life.
My dear Andrew, I could have written that same blog about my life. I have always marched to a different beat and therefore end up alone. You are fortunate that you have a mother who tells you the truth about life and its realities. You will eventually discover that no matter who you are with, you are still alone in your own head and body. And it's true that your own mindset will determine how you view the world and relate to it. It's extremely hard to "get" that my mind controls my emotions. I'm 67 years old and am still working on that concept, so give yourself some breathing space to really incorporate this into yourself. You are very young and have a lot of life to live. Allow yourself time to "get it." Try to view your situation in the best possible light. Find beauty in your surroundings. Do random acts of kindness for people, animals, and the environment. You will feel much less lonely when you are able to get outside yourself and "give" without expecting anything in return. I have found that it's my expectations that always get me into trouble and make up most of my negative feelings. Just keep in mind that all of us have our own "cross" to bear in this life. It's how you decide to bear it that will be the main point. I love reading what you have to say, Andrew, so just keep saying it.
ReplyDeleteYour elderly friend,
Barbara
No so elderly, but even if so- wise. Appreciate your comment. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteGuess I could say this to you but your post compels me to write..
ReplyDeleteThree life truths here.
The first is that the most difficult things in life we do alone. Though we're surrounded by those that love us, their thoughts are always from the outside in, while we live on the inside out. The best we can do is what you're doing. Be open so that advice and love flows to ease the mind and heart, comforting and guiding as it will.
The second is that our uniqueness makes us different. This is doubly true for those who climb a path that others do not wish to (or cannot) tread. "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer". You are learning of your drummer in a short space of time that takes others years (or never) to learn. It will serve you well.
The third is that life is far more about giving up control than keeping it. Many times we are in situations we might or might not have chosen, but in both cases do not control. In those times we can only live in the minutae of life, as you are. Being able to react only to whether you are cold, or to decide each morning how you will end the day, is a privilege as well as a burden.
Your army service both treats you as a child, and will require you to make adult life and death decisions only a few months from now. I'm strangely comforted by both this and your last blog post. You articulate your feelings. You recognize that the unique path you've chosen requires aloneness, but are consoled by the love and wisdom around you. You've come to terms with the methods of the army, while recognizing its absurdity. You strive to live in the present and the beauty of the mundane, recognizing that is all you can manage for a while.
I don't think you need to do anything else but to keep doing as you are. I wish you patience for the final stretch.
Rayne