A taste of Gaza

At this moment in time i find myself in an airforce base outside Beer Sheba. A four minute flight from the gaza strip. there is a serious conflict/operation in motion. constant rocket sirens and constant stress. its more than an underestimate saying that there is a lot of tension in the air. its almost unberable the waiting. Knowing that something will come but not knowing what it is or when it will come. For me personally it has been a new experience. so much stress that you dont know what to do with it. It controls you, overcomes your choices and desires. I feel...................exhausted, removed from society, scared and tense. 4 minutes. Thats what is separating me from the insanity of the gaza strip. im not exactly sure why i feel so stressed except for the obvious, but the work is not what worries me or makes me feel tense i think its just the pent up feelings of tension...the unknown no matter what im here together with my boys. itll be okay this is what we trained for. I knew this could happen when i came. when i signed up. now its time to follow it through if you want to protect what's going on here then you gotta live through this. The question is, is it worth it? When do we say enough is enough?

My surrounding world

I returned recently from a 30 day trip back to the United States. It was the longest period of time i have been home since before i started college 3 years ago. I was sure when i left that when i was there and during my trip i would have heaps to write about. To my surprise my mind was blank, perhaps just enjoying the fact that i wasn't obligated to do anything. When i was there i remembered and saw that life is SO different there, everything seemingly more easy. So much more affluence, so much more carefree behavior. But as i looked at the faces of people, whether it be in the streets of New York or on the Subway; there seemed to be something missing. when i was there i could not quite place it. Why is it that they are not happy? Even now that im back i dont really know. Who knows? maybe they are happy and just choose not to outwardly express it. Maybe i choose not to see it. My point in all this i think is just to say that it doesent really matter where you are sometimes, it is up to us as individuals to make the decision to be happy. I seems to me at some points that our lives are futile. Not in the sense thatour actual existence is futile but more in the way we lead our lives. The constant quest for whatever it is we are pursuing that period of time is meaningless. It is as though our lives are not even in our hands and sometimes even the smallest decisions lead to a paradigm shift. I do not intend to preach about living rambunctiously or being overly cautious but i would like to comment on the vast expanse between these two ways of life and how seemingly unimportant they at times. I recently saw a film, called Seven Pounds. It reiterated in a simple way how the smallest decision we make in our daily lives can alter ours and many others' lives for ever. However what struck me most about the movie was not so much what the consequences of the protagonists' actions were but the "good deeds" that he did to make up for what he did. The deeds that he did and how monumental they were are less important. What I saw in this film was that for the past few months, specifically for the past month I have been so wrapped up in myself that I have forgotten what is important in life and how fortunate I am compared to some other people on this earth. Not at all in an arrogant or elitist tone do I mean that. My only point is that my opportunities have not been numbered and I am blessed with incredible health and welfare. It is so clear to me now easy it is to be wrapped up in your own life, to forget about the community of people that are on this planet. How many challenges we face and how sometimes the only thing we can think about is where we want to have dinner? Where is our next traveling location or where is the best place to go to college? What I want to convey in this piece is the ability to be conscious. To be able to construct a balance in our lives where we can further ourselves but also keep others in mind. It is, make no mistake, a difficult task and requires constant diligence to keep ourselves in check and see where our compass is pointing. That is what I will try to keep in mind this week and as time moves forward. To keep a "zoomed out" perspective on my own life and more specifically my problems in relation to the issues challenges we are facing as a community. Perhaps for everyone else it is as least some food for thought for the new year? andrew

A little story

first time on call. Checked the gear and equiptment. arranged it all in the helicopter. got my radio and went on my way, back to normal life until, you know; "duty calls".  It was a thursday. Already in the evening as we had already driven to the south, had our swap with the other guys from last week and, finished dinner. I was tired. Not entirely sure why, because to be honest for the last few weeks my life has been pretty relaxed, relatively. But regardless i was tired. so i went to sleep. bam! 12:36 PM the siren wails twice. thats us. Hurl myself out of bed, look around at my two friends. They are waisting no time putting on their uniforms as fast as possible, i do the same. 2 min drive to the helicopter. 2 minutes to load the equiptment onto the aircraft. "gun bag!" "check!" "night vision!" "check!" "radio!" "check!" we all load up. the wine of the engine starts to get louder and the rotar starts spinning. thum, thum thum.  you smash earplugs into your ears and grab your flight helmet. The speed of the rotor  increasing by the second.  the radio flush with voices. the pilot" we are at full power, tower one. Cleared for takeoff." the in- flight mechanic. " clear" the control room; spewing details about the event: navigational point. who's there? how many wounded. someone on the ground we can talk to." pilot;" ok guys we got a 4 minute flight lets get ready. 4 minutes. to get all your gear on. the the belly of the helicopter ready for 2 critical condition patients, to arrange all the equipment. boot up the medical equipment. then a briefing from the commander: "ok guys we got 3 patients at least two critical, lets get in there get some details and get them on this aircraft asap."  (obviously thats not the actual briefing but its something of that nature. where were going who takes what. weapons? helemets?.  bam: pilot:" we are in final...on the ground" we run forward into the night. away from the noise of the chopper and into the chaos of the event. broken wreckage everywhere. a car in a heap on the side. 3 ambulances. rescue personnel everywhere. we end up taking two patients after being told the that third is not so bad and already on his way in an ambulance. I witnessed my first intubation on one of the patients and then it was off to the helicopter. 7 people in that little space. two unconscious patients. both not breathing on their own. internal bleeding. spinal and head trauma. long story short, they needed a lot of care. i attached a blood line and oxygen while i scrambled to put on my flight helmet. "7 minute fight to level one in Soroka, the pilot shouted( level one is the highest level of trauma care)" and then we were off. the fastest seven minutes of my life. clambering to do whatever we could, attach monitors see blood pressure, keep them breathing and get them ready to depart when we landed. bam! we were there. the door opens and the wind rushees in as i step off, helping to pull the stretcher off the chopper. we walk off the heli pad and into the hospital through a few wards and then into the ICU. it was like in the movies when they are running down the halls with a critical condition patient into the OR, except it wasn't a movie and i wasn't running. we walked down the hall, swiftly but not running, holding her IV bag in my hand and then ten seconds later it was over. the 40 nurses and doctors waiting took the so called "stick" and started working. Took her off the stretcher and onto a bed and then the head Attending starting asking questions and doing checks.  psheewww. thats it. my job was done. blood on my vest and pants and all over my hands. but we made it and it was the best care she could get. i had a last look and was sent back to the choper to start cleaning up. Because even though it was over, it wasnt really over. you see its a 24/7 thing we could have been on the flight back base and without warning another mission and you have to be ready for that so even though you want to stay and check up on the person that you just tried to save you have to go back and start getting ready for the next one. 

"So that Others may Live"

I thought a long time what i would write in this specific post. The post that concluded the two and half year milestone that i stand behind today. I describe those past two and a half years in many ways, but some of the words that come to my mind first are; yearning, struggle, failure, success and humbleness. 

My idea of what was in front of me when i made the decision to come over two years ago was so simple and naive. I could never have imagined the amount of work, effort, and sacrifice it was going to take. What suffering i would have to endure and at what physical and mental costs i was looking at. Today i can say that i do understand, in the most personal way because after it all here i am. I finished. 

But really this "finish' is the beginning. The beginning of something incredible and amazing. its the beginning of my opportunity to save lives and help people in a way that no one else can. This is an honor and a privilege, and i know as much as i try to understand i cannot until the day that it becomes real for the first time. 

Im sure everyone realizes at some level what it means to rescue someone. However i doubt and am quite sure that not many reading this blog know that it means to be somone's "only chance." That is the duty and privilege that I, and all the others with me, have taken upon ourselves. They (the commanders) have been telling us this from the very beginning. "there is no one else except us." When we go out there are no second chances and there is nobody else to call. We cannot fail, because there is no one to pick up after us. This is their motto, and when it becomes real i'm sure that responsibility will sit heavy on our shoulders. 

Andrew Edward Solomon. That's the name i started the army with. Now im EEnDRRU! or some form of that. No one can pronounce my name. As much as I insist on them trying, unfortunately,  i think thats one of the sacrifices i talked about before. :) But seriously, I have changed in the last 74 weeks. (thats the number of weeks i trained). Learned to take things in stride; and by things i mean; EVERYTHING. Whether you finish walking 40km in the pouring rain and sleet. No warm clothes. No food. Nothing is dry. You are in the first FEW stages of hypothermia and they say after 2.5 days of that. Okay your done. AND as soon as you take off your boots sopping wet and shirt. They come onto the bus and say."3 minutes and you guys are going back out." These are the moments that we are really tested. Can you find it within yourself to stand up put the sopping wet shirt back on, the pants and shoes slogged with mud, sweat and rain and go back down. To elevate yourself from one of the lowest points of your life and prevail. That is one lesson i have learned. (over and over again i might add). 

It is also about the people around you. To learn to love and learn them. To rely on them whenever you need them. They are your only family out there and over this period that is what they have become. My family. They were there every step of the way, in the bad the horrible and the gruesome. And all of us together smiled after it and said "we did it, together." That is family. 

Shavua Tov to everyone. hope everyone is enjoying the sumer weather.

Andrew

The Dotted Line

I signed on the dotted line. Not just to enlist but also giving up all my rights, ensuring that i am not mistreated. For example, 6 hours sleep each night and 3 meals a day among other things. This week it became clear to me what it means to be a lochem "warrior". What situations and conditions we are expected to deal with and why they make you sign upfront on the dotted line, giving up your basic rights.

I spent Tuesday through Thursday in a survival excersize that was supposed to simulate a situation in which you were left behind or crashed behind enemy lines and were forced to escape the enemy and survive on your own. Now let me preface this by saying that the weather was less than stellar this week. A temperature near 5 degrees Celsius at night and raining/sleeting 24/7. Now because it is a survival excersize it is not something that you are given adequate gear to use to cope with. You just have your regular uniform,vest and weapon. For the most part it included walking about 50km in two nights, through probably the most difficult field comditions you can possibly imaginable. Imagine a rocky mountainside inhabited by only 5-10 foot thorn bushes. The shrubery is so intense that it could take you 40 min to progress 200 m. Not only can you not see anything because it is in the middle of the night, but it is painful and humbling to crawl soaking wet through thorn bushes and over boulders in the middle of the night . Moreover imagine trying to progress with a human being on a stretcher thrusting them through thorn bushes and falling with them off boulders and hillsides. At day break you enter into hiding. spending the daylight hours in a bush hideout. now being in the rain all night you entire body is wet and you have no way to escape it. even with regular rain protection gear you get soaked after an hour or so. So you sit, your clothes, your hair, your boots soaking with water on the freezing ground, static for hours. You can feel your core body temperature drop as you begin to shake violently in the bush. No way to escape the wind, rain or anything else. Your extremities go numb as the blood travels to the center of your body; protecting your vital organs. So even when you get up to pee you fall over becasue you have no feeling in your legs.

This went on for 2 days. Only to be interrupted by a four hour break and then a 15 km march down the beach with stretchers along a storming sea. At some points trudging though water that was above waist level. Safe to say it was not a simple week.

At the end of the week we had the commander of our unit come and talk to us. He said that all the training excercises were concelled (except for ours of course) because the weather conditions were deemed too cold/dangerous to train in. He explained that in order to be good warriors we need to survive in any situation and that was why it was decided that we would stay out.

In the begining i was confused. I thought, how could that be?? how could he just decie that? if the conditions were too extreme than how were we allowed to be out?? and then i remembered "i signed on the dotted line." No matter how cold, how wet, how dirty they own me and can choose whatever fate they deem necessary for me.

Thats the message i take from this week, that and the fact that at this point i think i have a forever permamanent scar from the rain. One things for sure however, i definitely got tougher this week. for better or for worse i guess.

hope everyone is doing well this weekend.

Andrew

Three Hundred and Sixty Five

The outlier. Thats what I am. From my friends in the army, to my friends back home- I am somehow singled out. Whether its the way i look, the way i talk, the way i dress. who I am. where i come from? where I live. I cant be sure if i was an outlier my whole life, but as far back as i can remember i always felt a little different than most of my friends and other people in general.

My close friends flatter me with words of admiration and my acquaintances pelter me with questions about what i will do AFTER the army. On some level i can understand this question, how can i possibly expect them to understand what my life consists of, or what it is based on at this point. I find myself wondering that almost every day.

I feel lonely. Not because i am lonely, but because i allow my situation dictate my feelings. There is some truth in my loneliness, i am across the word from my mom, dad and the rest of my family. In a different country, with a different life and path, but as so many people love to remind me, that is what i chose. I respond by saying, "your right." "but i didn't choose to be alone ." Now, before i continue i must say i can already here my mom mumbling that I make these decisions for myself everyday. Let me explain.

When i wake up in the morning whether its out of a 30 year old sleeping bag on the floor of the Judean Desert or at home in my bed at the kibbutz, i make a decision. How will i start this day, what feeling will i let overcome me with this sunrise? will it be a simple feeling of cold, or a more comprehensive feeling like sadness or loneliness. As i described i can envision my mom saying, " its your decision how you wake up in the morning, how you want to start and proceed with each day." Do you want to take that day by the horns and make it your day, or do you want to let other influences make that decision for you.

If its cold, im cold. If its early, im tired. These are the natural responses to these stimulations. but there is still that decision. Or so she(my mom) says? I have struggled lately to make these more simple decisions. I dream about waking up with a smile on my face. Excited to start each day. I realize that achieving that in the system i am serving in is challenging, but i am determined to make a go at it.

People's questions of what i will do after the army test me. Not because i have no idea what i will do, ( I really have no idea) but because i am already struggling so much that confronting my life in the future is more than i want to deal with. I want people to delve into my life as it stands now, to be interested, to strive for knowledge and understanding of what i'm doing, but just as with many of my expectations in life, im shooting high. I suppose this makes me my own outlier in some way, i make myself standout. For this exclusiveness i also pay a price.

In every one of the last 365 days i have made my life different in some way, i feel like im making headway in life as difficult as it is to progress at some points. I don't think i'm an outlier all 365 days, but on most of the days that i am i realize it. SO i guess that is the price that I pay in the end, to achieve these goals and dreams of mine i must, at some points be alone.

when that thought sits on my mind, i am okay with it. If this is the price for this dream of mine, then thats what ill pay.

Andrew

PS i know this post is a bit stranger than the norm, but take it for what it is. I just thought i would share what is going through my head on the Saturday night before i head back into the movie that is my life.

Winter in Israel

Its winter in Israel. November the 12^th. There has been a few rainy days and the temperatures at night and in the early mornings have dropped to sweatshirt and beanie weather. It’s that sort of climate that you find in San Francisco in the fall-- breezy and crisp.

My teammates and I are just about one year in training. Six months to go. As far as the end seems, I know it will in some way creep up on me; and then instead of complaining about not being done yet I will be worried about not being ready to hold others people’s lives in my hands everyday. Our team is starting to come together; we are at Jump School for two weeks learning how to hurl ourselves out of perfectly good airplanes. It’s the type of thing that causes a lot of laughing because we spend the whole day learning how to fall on the ground. (Imagine singing strange commands and then launching yourself off a 15 foot platform all day for all your friends to watch as you hit the ground, face first and get yelled at by the instructor saying that your landing was poor.) A perfect bonding experience if I don’t say so myself.

It feels to me now that we are on the point on a climb where your hands hurt, the last two pitches look and ARE the most difficult and you know that there is cold beer waiting in the car. We have made it almost a year through training, probably the most trying period of any of our lives and yet the lack of satisfaction is astounding. It strikes me on a daily basis that on the day-to-day I am not very satisfied. Now, being the thinker that I am, that has bothered me greatly. But after thinking it through and talking to my “O so wise” roommate I have come to understand that what I do here every day isn’t about satisfaction or at least immediate satisfaction that is. No one ever say it would be fun, satisfying or enjoyable. On the contrary, people warned me that it would be like this.

One of the things that most frustrates me is that fact that we are, by product of the training and other elements, essentially treated like kids. They insist on complete secrecy on whatever we are doing so we never know what is to come or when it will end. Our lives are mysteries to us and our families. Our families and friends knowing far less than we do even. We have no contact with the outside world during the week, no phone; no news, we live in a hole Saturday night through Friday morning. Cut off from family, friends, girlfriends and apart from the people in the unit, humanity. Now that is not to say that I don’t understand why it is that way it is. Its perfectly logical if you are trying to form the greatest and most highly trained soldiers, that taking all their connections to anything but what we do everyday makes the list of distractions very short. There are sacrifices to this approach however, friends on the outside drift away, girlfriends seem distant at times and even when we do have contact it is limited to 24 hours. This is attacking the base of our support systems. Our families and our friends, the things we know about in our lives are taken from. I think this is a conscious decision on the part of our officers to test us at the highest level, when only ourselves and our teammates are there to live through it together. They need to know that even if you don’t have the support of anyone else except your teammates that you will not give up that that they can count on you 100%.

Now your either saying, “gees that sucks” or some of my more assertive friends might be saying, “suck it up, you know why your there.” Now usually that comforts me to know that I did choose this life for myself and this is part of the price that needs to be paid to accomplish my goal. But I have plateaued recently, not particularly sure on what, but I am sure that I need a sharp kick in the butt so I can stick it out through the end. I know the fire in me is still burning bright, I have just let it get away from me-- the flame disappearing behind the curtains. However as I write this post I start to remember why I wanted to have this challenge—to get to a point where I wanted to say, “okay that’s enough for me” and show myself that I could stick it out. Now not to get confused I don’t seriously think about quitting but I do think sometimes, “boy what have I gotten myself into.”

I know the next six months will hold some of the hardest challenges of my life but I know that it will also hold some of the most important pinnacles of achievement not only in training but for myself. I am positive that there will be a few moments that I can feel as though I am on top of the world and say to myself, “you did it.” This is the finish line and your standing on it.

I know this post was relatively brief but I just wanted to check in with everyone, tell them what I was up to and let them know that no matter what, I am gonna give this thing everything I got until I have nothing else to give, and then keep giving.

On a less serious note I hope this note finds everyone happy, healthy, and smiling—because no matter what at the end of the day a smile and a laugh cures it all.

May god bless you with love, life and happiness.

Andrew